


CTRL+ALT+DELETE

by ahappyphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2011, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, slight angst but not in the way you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26617546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/pseuds/ahappyphil
Summary: It stings. Of course it stings to erase a part of their history. But it hurts worse when the same words he said out of safety and comfort are thrown back in his face with the sole purpose of mocking him. Mocking them.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 44
Kudos: 105





	CTRL+ALT+DELETE

Dan bought a new bottle of rum for tonight. Slightly more than they can afford right now, but something tells him they’ll both appreciate the extra buzz that comes with a mid-shelf liquor. 

It’s sitting on the coffee table next to the empty Dominos boxes from dinner, cap left unscrewed after they both shared a swig before settling down side by side on the couch, laptops in hand. 

There’s something almost morbidly funny about the scene. Combing through their past and deleting any trace of their public relationship while surrounded by the vestige of a romantic date night in. 

Every post. Every tweet. Every remnant of their story. Falling in love and finding home, not caring who saw. It all has to go. 

It stings. Of course it stings to erase a part of their history. But it hurts worse when the same words he said out of safety and comfort are thrown back in his face with the sole purpose of mocking him. Mocking _them_. 

It would be different if it were just him being called out on the inconsistencies and back peddling. If it was just his most vulnerable moments being rehashed and publicly decoded like it’s a fucking joke. Dan can take it. He can let the pain simmer until it turns into rage and bite back. 

But Phil...Phil doesn’t deserve this. He’s already dealt with enough shit this year. He’s already been exposed and laid bare against his will for all to see. His incessant politeness always halts him from expressing just how fucked up it is. Even to Dan. Maybe even to himself.

Maybe Dan’s not as good at taking it as he’d like to believe; as he lets Phil believe. Maybe he’s a little fucked up too. Maybe he’s been raw for so long he doesn’t even know what normal feels like anymore. 

The only saving grace is their security in what they have in private, in this house where the eyes can't reach them. It’s harder to mourn a tweet about missing someone when he wakes up every morning to that someone cradling his waist and nosing his hair. 

Phil leans his laptop to the side, showing him the screen. It’s a tweet from less than a month after they met. It just says _Love You_. Bold even for them. The memory of getting that notification is permanently branded in his mind. 

There’s an attempt at a lopsided smile before it’s replaced with a stoic sigh as Phil deletes it. 

He wants to lighten the mood and stop the chill of darkness he already feels creeping into his space. He bumps Phil’s shoulder until he looks up from the laptop.

“For the record, I still love you.” 

It’s a joke. But also he needs to say those words out loud. Like maybe they’ll fill the air instead and leave no vacancy for the darkness tonight. 

Phil rolls his eyes, but the smile that has finally showed up for the first time since they sat down makes it clear he needed to hear it too. Maybe Phil’s got his own dark shadow companion he wants to drown out.

He’d deleted most of his own posts awhile back. Partially out of paranoia, mostly out of the unnerving sensation of nakedness every time he was reminded they existed on the internet for anyone to see. It didn’t stop the guilt churning in his stomach every time he removed a declaration of his own happiness. 

They’ve both decided that control is the only way to take the power back. Control over what is seen and what they present as their narrative. 

It’s almost bittersweet to watch their digital footprint dwindle. There’s a handful of posts that get archived to a designated private folder, just for them. Things they’ll want to look back on someday down the road, when the lingering aftertaste is gone. 

Perhaps it’s due to the now half empty bottle of booze, but there’s a part of this that’s nice. A trip down memory lane with two years of hindsight. They’ve never really talked about the dozens of cheeky messages they willingly posted with the sole intention of riling each other up. 

“God, I was so desperate.” He can laugh about it now. Because technically it worked. 

There’s the other ones too. Sweet. Romantic even. Archives of sappy confessions in the dark and memorizing each other for the next time they were apart. 

It’s hard to acknowledge the darkness when he’s face to face with the physical proof of just how deep Phil fell too. How it was, and still is, an unequivocally two way street. 

Watching their digital love letters disappear into cyberspace only makes him shuffle closer and lay his head on Phil’s shoulder. He’d trade his entire online presence for this. For him. 

It doesn’t erase the nakedness. He’s not dumb enough to think there aren’t already copies and receipts. The darkness is still there. Plotting. Waiting. But right now it’s been successfully swallowed by the light that comes when they’re facing the world together. 

“It’s just for us now.” 

There are warm lips on his forehead in the shape of a smile. 

“Just for us.”

**Author's Note:**

> Reblog [here](https://ahappydnp.tumblr.com/post/630070980298063872/ctrl-alt-delete-g-865-summary-it-stings-of) :)


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